Rescue syndrome

[dw]

My daughter was in first grade when she started showing signs of anxiety. As she grew up, we got in the habit of “rescuing” her. For example, one time we quickly drove to take her home early from a birthday party after an anxious phone call. A few years later, a therapist told us our habit of “rescues” had hurt her ability to learn to handle anxious experiences, which was actually pretty heartbreaking for us to have contributed to her challenges. Do you parents ever get tempted to rescue your child?

[StefW]

Oh yes!! I am to a point I can align with the terminology of “helicopter mom” and always “rescued” Aj from the world because I always wanted him to feel safe in being in an environment where he couldn’t quite navigate being non verbal and such. This I can say came from trying to accommodate him to feel heard but I also realized that in the end, I didn’t allow him to speak sometimes with me always there to be on stand by to save and rescue him from tough stuff to learn to navigate and problem solve on his own. I am working on forgiveness of self in this realization a year ago or so… in Aj’s loving Max’s journey in a goofy movie and his constant telling his dad goofy “get your own life” lol So, now I take Aj’s communication as momma, let me do me and it’s okay haha. I realize that it is always done out of love and protection rather than wanting to cause more harm and one day our kiddos will come to appreciate having parents ready to rally and be in their corner but I, myself am trying to unlearn being a helicopter momma and letting my son navigate solo.. and ooooh my, it is hard lol. I totally feel this post. I am here for you to listen or share more back from my side… 🙂

[dw]

I can relate! With my son who’s on autism spectrum, up until about 4th grade I used to fuss about him “fitting in” and I remember feeling like I used to just never wanted his feelings to be hurt so I wanted to coach him on things to say and not say. He was totally brilliant though, one day he said, really low key, ‘I’ve got this.’ He knew so much better than I did that he needed to be free and not closed in by advice that would help him be so-called normal. He was so, so smart and I finally learned I couldn’t and was never meant to get in the way of him being his true self.

[StefW]

I love that you recognized that he was telling you “I got this” 🙂

[adamjackir11]

Rescue syndrome is such an interesting topic—it’s wild how people can sometimes feel the need to “save” others, even when it’s not healthy. It really makes you think about boundaries and self-care. By the way, if you ever need a Car Finder in Tampa, I’ve got a great recommendation! Always handy to have help with both cars and life stuff, right?

[tysmom12]

I know this is 3 months old… I just found this site. I’m wondering, as I just spent months listening to legislative hearings, could this apply to how we create policy as well? Like, I was listening to some of the stuff that is getting passed for our kids or “against” our kids and the testimonies and I wonder if sometimes we shift from direct rescue to a more overarching rescue plan. Sometimes it felt like asks were so focused on one specific experience and completely ignored the experiences of others and it was primarily brought to the legislature because a parent had a bad experience with something and is now saving us all from this possibility – even if that’s not the experiences we have all had. I’m constantly questioning myself, not just in how I’m parenting and showing up in my child’s life but now I’m questioning how I show up in life in general and how that impacts the lives of others (not a bad thing, really, just stressful at this level). My anxiety has really shot through the roof this year and I feel like I’ve completely failed in trying to advocate for what I think we (me and my child) need because others are better at advocating for things that have actually harmed my kiddo. :/ Knowing when and how to step in has become a minefield with a LOT of judgement attached, it seems. 🙁

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